Mother of The Bride: How to Avoid Upstaging or Upsetting the Bride

A child’s wedding is an exciting experience, so of course, you would want this day to go perfectly without upsetting the bride.

The mother-of-the-bride has a vital role in the wedding, helping and supporting the bride through the planning process and on the day of the wedding.

So, here are a few things to avoid doing so that your relationship isn't pulled apart by disagreements and mother-daughter drama.

How to Avoid Upstaging The Bride

Consult with The Bride

It’s the bride’s day and you want to make it perfect, so it’s important to consult her before heading out to buy your dress.

While you may have your own sense of style, it’s crucial that you consider your daughter’s motive.

So, talk to the bride and ask her about her preferences and see how she envisions your look.

You want to ensure the outfit compliments the style of the wedding and the colour scheme.

There may be a certain colour she has in mind that coordinates with the bridesmaids or she may prefer that you stay away from certain colours like black. 

You can even ask your daughter for recommendations on colours and dress styles and make your pick so that it matches her expectations.

Avoid Certain Colours

There are certain colours that the mother of the bride should not wear.

The traditional etiquette is, whatever colour you choose, you just want to avoid clashing with the bride.

White is reserved for the bride, she wants and expects to stand out from everyone else.

So, unless otherwise instructed, is to never wear white or any colour close to what the bride has chosen to wear.

Other standard colours to avoid include ivory, white and champagne.

But, if black is a colour that you usually like to wear, this might be the time to reconsider.

Black tends to be associated with mourning or funerals, so it wouldn’t be appropriate to wear it to a wedding.

So, try and avoid these colours unless instructed to by the bride.

Choose an Appropriate Dress

Don’t be afraid to show your body off in a form-fitting dress but remember to keep it classy. 

You don’t want to wear a dress that is too short or has a deep neckline. 

Try and choose a dress that is stylish, yet still is appropriate so it keeps you looking elegant and sophisticated. 

A wedding is not the place to wear your shortest or lowest cut look.

If the wedding is taking place in a place of worship, then it is even more essential to make sure you wear something conservative or bring a cover-up to wear to the ceremony and take off at the reception.

Don't Look Like You're Competing with the Bride  

Your daughter’s wedding day is a moment to celebrate her, not compete with her.

So, a basic rule of wedding etiquette is that the mother of the bride should not outshine her daughter.

This dress is going to be an important purchase, but remember that this isn’t a bridal gown

So, don’t choose gowns or dresses that would overpower the bridal gown.

Also, try to avoid loud patterns that will overwhelm in photos and make you stand out from the rest of the wedding party.

Anything that is too bright or shiny will literally take eyes off the bride and put them on you.

Avoid Being Too Casual

While you want to avoid upstaging the bride with an over-the-top outfit, it is important to avoid dressing in anything too casual.

Traditional weddings have dressing etiquette or dress codes to ensure that all the guests dress fit with the formal theme of the wedding.

So, as the mother of the bride, try and wear something that is classy and elegant.

How to Avoid Upsetting the Bride

Don’t Take Over 

Emotions can sometimes run high when planning a wedding.so you should provide general support and advice to the bride and groom throughout the wedding process.

But, remember not to dictate what should and should not happen.

It can be really difficult to not interfere but resist any temptation to do so.

Although your daughter wants your assistance, she most likely does not want you to take over planning the entire event.

So, try to alleviate the stress of wedding preparations, not add to it.

Instead of telling her everything you think she should do, listen to what she has in mind and respect that her happiness is most important.

Just remember to follow the couple’s lead, and remember, it’s not about your expectations for their wedding.

Don’t Make the Wedding About You

Momzilla’s are definitely a thing.

If you feel like you want to take over and get upset when things don’t go your way, you may need to take a step back.

Unfortunately, this makes the whole event less enjoyable for everyone, including yourself.

So, don't take things personally if the couple has something different in mind than what you do.  

Remember that it’s your daughter’s big day. 

It’s so simple but so often that gets forgotten once the planning is underway.

Don’t bring the bride down with unnecessary problems and avoid adding fire to the flames when things go wrong. 

Don’t Be Pushy

If you can tell the bride and the groom don't like something that you love, let it go.

Don't attempt to push them into a decision that they are not comfortable or in love with.

You're there to support the bride, not undermine or override her wishes.

No matter how much you think you're right, don't be too pushy when it comes to advising your daughter.

So, try to explain your point of view with a positive approach, and remember that the bride and groom have the final say in everything.

Try to be there to support the bride and give input when solicited but remember not to take over or railroad your ideas into play.

Don’t Steal the Limelight

The wedding, of course, is all about the bride and groom and so the focus of attention should be on them.

So, try not to do anything that may upstage or upset the bride.

This means not trying to steal the show or the photographer.

So, make sure you avoid drinking too much and don't take the photographer away from shooting the wedding to take pictures of yourself.

Don’t Try to Invite Extra Guests

This can be tough, especially if the happy couple is opting for a more intimate gathering.

But, make sure you always ask before inviting extra guests.

So, even if you are helping with finances, let your daughter invite who she wants to and the people that are close to her and the groom.

Try and fight the urge to request more invites and try your best to pick the ones that matter most.

It’s not your wedding, but your daughter’s and therefore her friends and guests should take priority.

Don’t Tell Her Who Should Be Her Bridesmaids

Choosing bridesmaids is a job for the bride and the bride alone.

So, don’t make your daughter feel pressured into having anyone that she’s not comfortable.

She will need calm and supportive people that are close to her with her on your wedding morning and to help her during her wedding process. 

Don’t Make Any Changes 

You don't want to modify any details without consulting from your daughter and her fiancé first.

So, make sure they approve of any changes before you decide to make them.

So, if the bride and groom veto a certain wedding decoration or decision, don't become sneaky and make sure it happens anyway. 

Don’t Compare Her Wedding to Others

Comparing your daughter’s wedding to others can make her feel even more stressed than she already is.

So, when giving your daughter advice or ideas for the wedding, say it without comparing it to someone else’s wedding; even if a friend of yours throw the most extravagant wedding for her daughter or you recently saw something gorgeous at another wedding you went too.

Don’t Be Too Critical 

The bride may ask your opinion about various things throughout the planning process and it is okay to be honest.

You aren’t required to lie to spare feelings but being agreeable and positive will prevent the bride from being too stressed.

She'll be dealing with enough stressful moments so avoid overwhelming her with any extra ones by being overly critical.

Your job is to reassure and relax the bride, not stress her out. 

Unless the bride asks you for your brutally honest opinion, do not say anything too negative.

If something doesn’t quite go to plan, you’ll have to take it in your stride. 

They really need your love and support during the planning process, so reserve judgment and resist the urge to make passive-aggressive comments or push your own expectations on them.

Don’t Make Empty Offers 

The bride and groom will undoubtedly appreciate the mother of the bride’s help on even small tasks.

But, make sure you don’t offer unless you mean it.

Volunteer to lend a hand with a few specific things you know you can follow through with. 

Otherwise, if the job you offered to do isn’t done, it can cause the bride to become stressed.

So, if you commit to a task or make an offer, make sure you stick to your word and do the job as best as you can.

Don’t Refer to This as ‘Our Wedding’

It's not your wedding.

The day belongs solely to your daughter and her soon-to-be spouse.

As much as it is an important day to you, remember that the day is all about the newlyweds, so make sure you avoid saying this. 

What Should You Do Instead?

Be a Helping Hand

From wedding dress shopping and food tasting to picking the flowers and helping with DIY’s, make sure you are on hand to offer advice and support throughout the planning.

Most brides still want their mother’s input in the planning process.

But, even though planning a wedding is a wonderful experience, it can also be stressful at times.

So, listen to her when she needs you, comfort her, reassure her, and support her.

There may even be a few hands-on jobs that you can help the couple tackle.

This may include stuffing the wedding invitations and stamping them, assembling wedding programs and putting favours together.

So, ask the bride and groom if they help with any part of the wedding planning to elevate a bit of the stress off them without adding to it.

Be a Voice of Reason

Inevitably there will be moments when things don’t quite go to plan and in a bride’s mind, this can be the end of the world. 

It is your job to gently and tactfully reassure and remind the bride that in the grand scheme of things, these things don’t matter.

Your daughter has plenty on her emotional plate and sometimes she may need your voice of reason.

Be the positive force who can bring her back down to earth when she gets a little bit out of control or lose focus of what's truly important.

Be Supportive

Whether the bride wants your input and help with every little detail or simply needs you there to be mum when things don’t quite go to plan, make sure you are there to support her.

Many brides get emotional and stressed before their wedding day, some might even have a temper as well. 

So, no matter how angry or frustrated your daughter is, try to keep calm and talk things through in a rational and logical way. 

Weddings are a happy and exciting time and it is your role as the mother of the bride to remain positive throughout the process. 

And even if the day doesn't look the way you might have imagined, nor her dress the dress you would have picked, enjoy it and remind your daughter that she looks beautiful.

Being the mother of the bride means giving her a shoulder to cry on when she's feeling overwhelmed, an ear to her vent to, or reminding her to take a deep breath and let it go. 

Communicate with Her

Communication is key in any relationship, especially in the process of planning your daughter’s wedding.

So, maintaining a clear line of communication with your daughter throughout the wedding planning process is crucial. 

If there’s something you don’t like, then make sure you get that point across in a positive and supportive way.

Communication is key, it will ensure that boundaries are set and that any differences are resolved as soon as they arise.

This will avoid any unnecessary dramas and will allow you to focus on the important things.

Finally, don’t forget to take a moment to celebrate this special moment with your daughter.

Planning a wedding together can be an amazing bonding experience for a bride and her mother.

It’s an important time for both of you, so don’t forget to enjoy it and cherish the memories to make the most of the special day.

Don't let the chaos of a wedding shake up your relationship.

When things get heated or stressful, take a step back and have a conversation with her. 

So, aim to be supportive but not challenging in your role as the mother of the bride during the wedding process.

With these tips in mind, hopefully, you can find the perfect balance of the spotlight and support for your daughter’s wedding.